Letting Go! OUCH! A Few Tips to Ease the Pain

Parents often find themselves feeling lost, out of synch, and wildly disconnected and alone when their sweet, demanding, often arrogant child finally packs his/her car, their high school yearbook, along with their new bedding and childhood blanket, back pack, and slowly drives away. This is the beginning of a new chapter framed by new independence, personal choice, and a whole lot of unknown risk and adventure.

So really who needs the help and extra reassurance in this situation? Yep, the kid is fine. He/she is filled with that contagious adrenaline and excitement that a new, independent adventure releases. Yet parents too, are filled with their own "adrenaline rush" of sorts, and an anxious level of excitement. However, a parent's experience is more likely to be one filled with worry and concern.

Parents often hear the advice to just "Let go, and allow your child to make mistakes; allow them to deal with their own setbacks and challenges." And guess what? Parents do "Let go" ... eventually, but this too is a process that takes time. So let's be careful to honor the process, and the very real grieving that accompanies this loss and significant change in both the lives of the child and the parent.

Here are few tips that can help parents actively "Let Go" as they support their child through this big transition (summarized from the UCSB New Parent Handbook):

1. Focus on COMMUNICATION vs. CONTROL. Get good at asking those open-ended questions. Ask the kind that invite options, choice, and the free will to take personal control of a situation.

2. Be SUPPORTIVE. Simply listen. Let your child know that you are there, and that you are a solid (but not intrusive) source of constant support.

3. Expect CHANGES. College is a time of questioning and challenging the status quo, trying on new faces and playing with new ways of showing up in the world. Expect resistance (especially when they return home). Try hard to just roll with this this period of experimentation, and to respect their new-found independence.

4. Allow for more FREEDOM. This is a time to explore; to sample the buffet table. Most students change majors an average of three or four times throughout their college career. Keep focusing your support on the "end goal," not each micro-step or detour.

5. Adjust your EXPECTATIONS. College is competitive. College is distracting. 4.0+ high school students may struggle to maintain a "B average." The stress that accompanies a whole new environment may be reflected in your child's drop in grades. College kids are busy making friends, learning how to become independent, as well as juggling their study schedules and academic learning. Consider the value of the whole learning experience.

6. Be PATIENT. Don't panic if your child is experiencing some struggle, stress or challenge during those first few months (or even first year) of school. It takes time to develop and find your own rhythm, time to establish deep friendships, and to deal with the "culture shock" that new college life presents.

Smile! Know that you have done your part to successfully launch your child into this dynamic and exciting world of independence and new opportunity. Keep communication open and supportive, and watch the wonder and curiosity take hold in its own unique way inside your own young adult's development.